Today I am...

...waking up very sad and overwhelmed. Thank God for good friends who are swooping in to help me get my shit together re getting these damn forms filled out. I feel like such a slug: lazy and stupid, with New Added Panic at 2 a.m.! Quite literally, last night (this morning) I woke with a start, heart racing, no dream-memory at all, just an extreme anxiety jolt about due dates and penalties and "losing everything" (as in the house, money, car, job) because I didn't get the stupid paperwork done.

All this is exacerbated by the discovery/reminder that I work tomorrow, so my "free hours" this weekend just took a major hit. And I think I put my foot in my mouth saying something thoughtless yesterday at at meeting at work. I'm so tired of that; and I'm so tired of beating myself up for doing this sort of thing.

I am better than this.

What is wrong with me!? [that is a rhetorical question: I know very well what's wrong--there's a long list]

Curve Ball

So, this week I start back at work. I was at my desk for a couple of hours today, just making sure it's fairly clear. My plan for tomorrow is to at least double that and focus on cataloging for as long as I can. I absolutely have to talk to my boss--whether he wants to talk to me is undetermined. I'm irritated with him. Can you tell?

This weekend absolutely did not go as planned. Beast fell in the bathroom very early Saturday morning at some point and broke the handle in

Our former shower handle

the shower off -- among other things that were disarranged -- which then sprayed water all over the bathroom for I-don't-know-how-long. When I finally woke up and heard Beast moaning and got up to find him, the water had leaked through the floor and dumbed at least an inch in the dining room, which then leaked through the floor joists into the basement. Fortunately, we have plastic covers on the dining room table and pool table. But a lot of stuff got wet.

Shower handprints

And Beast took the 911 taxi to get sorted out at the hospital. No permanent damage, but lots of facial bruising and a solid smack on the ribs where he separated them playing football 30 years ago.

He's sore. I'm ... all over the map. Still sore on my throat but the dermabond, a.k.a. Superglue, is almost completely gone.

Emotionally, I think Beast and I are all over the map, though. Angry, sad, frantic, glad nothing worse happened, tired, anxious.

It definitely was not my favorite Valentine's Day, for sure.

Living room ceiling

Dining room ceiling

Sparky did come home for the day, which was excellent. We took him out for dinner at a semi-nice place, and it was good to listen to him talk and talk and talk about life. His birthday was the day before I had surgery. My little boy is almost the age I was when I got married. Hard to believe.

12 Days of Christmas Blog Challenge

6 Regrets from 2013 (30th December)

1. I wish I would've gotten my house more organized
2. I wish I would've not eaten so much junk food
3. I wish I would've made more home-made dinners
4. I wish I would've handled ... things differently
5. I wish I would've started going to Al-Anon sooner
6. I wish I would've been able to not think of any regrets at all

Click on image to play along

November

I haven't had much to say that's printable over the past month. Lots of internal work. Lots of tongue- and lip-biting. And nail-biting. Certainly not a great deal of fun. Plus, I turned 50 this week.

Today we're going to the zoo. It's a fundraiser for a project in a city near and dear to Beast's and my hearts, which is run by the son of our current pastor. We had planned to go but hadn't purchased tickets, and then T. emailed Beast earlier in the week to see if we wanted to use the tickets he'd gotten for his parents (our pastor and his wife). Since we'll be within shouting distance of Sparky, we'll have a little time to see him today too. It's a sort of low-impact thing that will do good things in the community and maybe not be too overwhelming in a social sense. I hope. Plus, Beast needs to book two Saturday nights at Holiday Inns before the end of the year to achieve...something...so we're spending the night. And then rushing back so I can help teach Sunday School tomorrow.

Right now, Beast is off to a meeting, and I'm supposed to be headed to Weight Watchers. Neither of us is excited about our respective 'dates'--he's annoyed/frustrated/angry with His Guy at the meeting, and I know I've packed on some pounds. This was, after all, the week that, for the first time ever, I left the house specifically to go to the mini-mart and buy junk food to eat because I was stressed. Anyway, because I don't eat before I weigh in, Beast and I plan to hit the local yummy pancake place for breakfast afterwards. I'm getting a flu shot as well because his meeting is longer than mine.

Nothing much to say in the wide world except that I really hate November in spite of it being Beast's and my birthday month. Next week is the 19th anniversary of my dad's death (his birthday was earlier in the month), and I've been thinking about and missing him like mad. Beast's discussions of how he's dealing with the deaths of his parents have stirred the pot for me, but even without that, it's still just a shitty period of the year. And Thanksgiving follows up, which I love as a holiday but has a lot of potential for emotional landmines.

Someone this week reminded me that November is the cloudiest month of the year around here (tied with February). It's been pretty lousy this year, and suddenly cold. I'm kind of dreading winter and my SAD kicking back in, and all the extra drama of the holidays and so forth. But, there's nothing to be done about time passing, so I'll just face each day the best I can. Thank GOD for my friends!! No, seriously, I'm pretty sure I'd be in a locked ward if not for them! That goes for blog-friends as well as in-the-flesh friends.

So, I'm skating the surface in this post. I have some ideas of how to get back to writing more consistently here, but getting into the habit is a difficulty. I need to banish Facebook from my life, and do this instead.

That's all. Off to hear bad news about my weight. Whee.

Remember

I've just read two blog posts on two completely different blogs in which the writer is wondering why someone younger, thinner, whateverer seems to so unhappy. As someone who is not younger or thinner, I can relate a little.

However, I'm also the one who "seems to have it all"--nice house, cool car, great job, wonderful husband, smart kid in (a private) college...all of which I'm so grateful for--and I can tell you right now my life is not happy. In fact, my life hasn't been worry-free in a really long time. Sure, there are hours when I'm pretty calm and stress-free, but there are at least 2 hours every day that are Hell. The only difference on a daily basis is which circle of Hell: immersion in boiling blood, upside-down burial in shit, or worse.

So, again, I plead with you all, remember that everyone -- E V E R Y O N E -- you meet is carrying a heavy load. Sometimes you can see it, or you've been told about it, or you can empathize for whatever reason; more often you have no idea. Because people are astoundingly good actors right up until they break into millions of pieces.


Incidentally, this post may only appear for a few hours, tonight and tomorrow morning, before mysteriously disappearing. Those of you know (a bit) about what's going on will know why. The whole thing is on the table now, so no more hiding stuff.

Whinge

Just wrote a long email to a friend, which took forever to do because I burst into tears in the middle of it.

I really loathe winter, especially this dragged-out ending of the winter we're having this month, with every fiber of my being. Well, I would, if I weren't drugged up on anti-depressants to get me through it without mayhem.


Yes, those two thoughts are connected. I hadn't realized how miserable I've been for the past month, just day after day after day of slogging through, not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to anything at home OR at work, having every bump in the road feel like Mt. Everest (or Mt. St. Helens), not crying because I am so good at distracting myself that I don't even realize how sad (and SAD) I am.

The faint silver lining of all of this is that at least I've got a reason, or a name, or whatever, for why I've felt like I'm faking my way through my days lately. Work has been especially bad: even the parts of my job that I love the most make me bone-weary; imagine how the yucky bits have been!? Plus, we are still short-staffed: six months of that is wearing on everyone at this point. At least we now have a director that isn't a time-vampire, and who has as great a sense of the absurd as the rest of the staff. YAY for that. Seriously, what a nice change!

RV capitol of the U.S.

That's where we're spending the night on our way to the funeral and burial of FIL which is happening on Sunday. This is a place we stop frequently. Beast actually has a work colleague and customers here, so he's far too familiar with the town. Actually, I am too--as we left to find dinner, I realized that I remember walking from the hotel next door to a now-nonexistent grocery store next door.

Beast is uploading slides onto his computer for a slide-show to play at the funeral home on Sunday.

I'm about as close to asleep as someone can be and still have her eyes open. Maybe I should go jammie-up and wash my face and teeth so I can safely drop off. Unfortunately, the headache I had all day, the headache which finally disappeared about 2 hours into today's drive, seems to be on its way back. Sigh. Gotta be tension, but I can't remember a day when I've had a full-day headache.

So you can sorta see why I'm not blogging much if this is the content that might be the norm.

So, here's the deal:

Beast has had two more shots in his spine since he left the hospital. He started physical therapy, finally, last week as he was starting to feel a little better.

Then, last Friday, his dad was sent from his regular dialysis appointment to the ER because he just "wasn't right." He has continued to be "not right" in spite of doctors trying everything they can think of to figure out what has gone wrong. He's had dialysis three times since admission, they've weaned him off all meds that could be making him tired, and they gave him IV steroids to keep pulmonary issues at bay. Except, yeah, he doesn't tolerate IV steroids; they make him hallucinate. So, he's been  completely flaked out for the last couple of days, leading to a distinct lack of appetite today. This is really not like him, to say the least. He is fading.

Beast has medical power of attorney, so if FIL is really unable to make decisions for himself, Beast has to. He's already refused--twice--to have him intubated as that is something FIL has repeatedly said he doesn't want. So, yeah, Beast is ...rough.

Beast's back has gotten substantially worse as the days have gone by, so that tonight he's in the most pain he's been in since the hospital, I think. Some of that can probably be attributed to the stress of the past five days, but he's also been sitting in bad-for-his-back furniture at the hospital, standing on his feet too much, pushing himself. Because this is just exactly the way he rolls. And much of what is going on can really ONLY be done by him.

And my job...omg, so awful. Two professional staff members have given notice in the past 9 weeks; they happen to be the youngest librarians in the building. OK, no, they don't "just happen to be" anything; they couldn't work with our boss, who is truly unworkable-with in many ways.  There is a mutiny afoot as a result. Even I, who haven't had nearly the number of issues with her that other people have (for me, she's mostly just pesky, like that fly that won't stop buzzing around your head for hours), went in and told her I was really, really angry about not being asked about picking up extra hours; I've only been asking for full-time for 5 fuckin' years! She is not professional about her job, either. But, I'm leery; I know how easily things could be worse. So, a little of the ol' rock <--> hard place for me.

Did I mention the last ten days has been the worst allergy season I've been through in the past several years? I feel like warmed-over shit, tired from all the Benadryl and Zyrtec I'm downing to keep me from tearing my throat out. It doesn't help that I'm not sleeping well because of all the other shit going on. At least the Benadryl at bedtime knocks me right out for the night. Last night is typical of the nights I don't do that: slept 11-3, rolled around for another 90 minutes pretending to sleep, gave up at 4:45 and did a crossword until it was time to get up at 5:30. At least I'm not bugging Beast; he can't lie flat, so he's sleeping in the recliner in the living room.

This is why I'm offline. I've dug out the old CD for The Sims and I'm playing that again, as escape. Gah.

THANK GOD Sparky isn't around for this. He is blissfully unaware of how dire things are back at home. Which is just fine.

Things in my head

Well, our last Youth Sunday is over. Another six weeks, tops, and we're done with leadership in that aspect of our lives. I've been sick for the past few days, so this morning was kind of surreal with the overriding mantra of "Nearly done, nearly done, nearly done" as the morning progressed. I love these kids, but I'm tired.

Next weekend is graduation. Also the grad parties start. We haven't scheduled Sparky's graduation party yet because we've all just been so lazy. Or, well, to be fair, busy.

Read a posting today by a friend about his former wife who is astoundingly, astonishingly, unbelievably obtuse about life, especially given the fact that she's really quite smart. And mean-spirited. I don't like mean people. I've said that many, many times. Intentionally stupid annoys me too. If you're reading this, Former Friend, I hope that's clear enough for you.

One of Katherine's coworkers killed himself about two weeks ago, so she's far in the dumps about it. She worked with him regularly and obviously any sensible person would be hurt and sad.

Allergy season has hit hard today, I'm still tired, we're having pizza--probably not my best cecision, given the extended break my intestines have been on this weekend--and tomorrow starts a brand-new week during which perhaps I'll figure out a way to give a shit about something.

Happy Birthday!

Today would have been my mom's 88th birthday. Weird. Can't stop thinking about her today, in amongst all the other foolishness of the day.

...figures...

The calmest, most rational, loveliest person at my workplace

is leaving

due to family issues. She's the primary caretaker for someone who needs nearly round-the-clock care and a daytime aide home alone with him all day isn't cutting it anymore.

I'm so sad.

But I've been whacked so hard by Teh Sad this summer that this is just another stone on the cairn.


It means we'll be totally rebuilding the tech svc department from scratch. So that's either a Very Good Thing, or the straw that will break this camel's back. Stay tuned...