Round One--House Cleanup in the books

BIL was here over the weekend, along with Sparky. We did a LOT of things!

• The office is emptier and a little more organized; I need to clear out files yet, but the surfaces have been emptied and lots of stuff went in the trash and elsewhere. 
• The basement...well, the main room looks worse, but the workroom/shop area...! I can actually walk into it without feeling like I'll trip and kill myself getting to the lights. BIL went through a lot of stuff from his side of the family. Much of it got tossed. There are at least two full contractor bags of trash that I'll need to get to the curb over the course of several weeks; ditto with all the magazines and other recycling. 
• We got the Honda started and moved out of the garage. The giant heap of cardboard boxes is collapsed into one box for recycling. 
• The insurance paperwork is sorted and generally made sense of. 
• BIL found Beast's Social Security card (which I need for part of the Medicaid form) in a box of Random Things From Some Drawer. 
• Sparky found Beast's cross necklace, which he now has with him.

And yesterday after BIL and Sparky left, I finally cancelled SiriusXM ($200/month), downgraded DirecTV and ordered a new remote (saving $150/month), and downgraded our Sprint account to three lines and no more monthly charges for Beast's and my phone (saving $100/month). I spent, quite literally, over two hours on phone calls to Sprint to delete BIL's number from our account and was so frustrated by the end I was just repeating "ALL I want to do is delete the line. That's all" and sobbing. They kept telling me only the account holder could cancel lines, and as I'm not the account holder it can't be done. So then let's change the name on the account--nope, gotta have proof that I'm allowed to do that. So where do I fax/email the paperwork proving I'm allowed? A transfer to another department and some ridiculous procedure that involves SNAIL-MAIL, but I really need to talk to someone else about cancelling the line...transfer back to where I started but to a new person to whom I have to give my name, the name of the account, the PIN and the password. I definitely know the PIN now! Which is great, since I'm the one who created it and changed all the online account info last month after another (shorter) marathon to find out how to do that, with the threat that if I couldn't get into the account, they wouldn't get paid because I couldn't access the bill. Oh, and I left out two trips to the nearest store--the staff of which was great, by the way!--and an online chat with customer service. All this between 2 and 6 yesterday afternoon. DirecTV = 20 minutes on the phone tops. SiriusXM = no more than a 10-minute call. Sprint = a four-hour ordeal that was only resolved when I started sobbing and calling Beast "a vegetable" who can't talk on the phone for fuck's sake! I only swore once, by the way. I just have to say that when I get really upset, it becomes entirely impossible for me to understand accented English. The guy who finally just canceled the damn thing...when he told me that, I sobbed out something like, "You're the nicest guy I've spoken to today" and then hung up without further ado. So I hope he a) deleted the right line, and b) actually DID something because I have no confirmation # to prove anything with.

[Time out to check the online bill. Guess what. The extra line is still on the bill. Also, I'm "past due" with my payment, but only $.26 is due. My next payment will be minus the $15 and whatever other charges for that extra line. I hate HATE Spring customer service.]

In short, all the wind is out of my sails. The house, superficially, looks worse: more piles in places I can see in rooms I use, and I still have all this goddamned paperwork to fill out which requires still more phone calls and planning and TIME and Finding Things (like 5 years' worth of tax returns and pay stubs and bank statements) and Making Copies of Found Things (same as above)... The weather is abysmal: rainy and dank and gray. The mailbox "temporary" fix has tipped over into the street, so I'm going to have to go to the P.O. and ask them to hold my mail for pickup till I can get someone to power out a new post-hole for a new post and mailbox setup (which means waiting for the ground to thaw). And the stupid Honda is still here, albeit out of the garage finally. The last person I want to see today is Beast, and all I want to do is crawl back in bed and alternately sleep and cry and feel sorry for myself.

Updates

I feel like this has become my Vent Blog.

So, last Monday I took Beast to a treatment facility about 45 minutes from here--we are fortunate that we have several options from which to choose within an hour or so--and left him there for the foreseeable future for rehab. He got blitzed about 3 weeks ago. He can barely walk and can't drive, but somehow he managed the 1/4-1/2-mile walk to the nearest mini-mart and bought himself a bottle of vodka. I worked till 9 that night, so came home to find him "asleep" in the chair with half a bottle left. He finished most of that before going up to bed. And STUPID ensued.

Next morning I told him to pick an option: he moves out, I move out, or he goes to rehab till it sticks.

He made all the calls and did most of the legwork on scheduling and organizing. Because we have private insurance, there was a bed available right away. They took him back to do the intake interview, finished that up, came back out with the meds he's NOT allowed on site (they're opiate painkillers, so pretty unsafe to have around, so we get it completely), and that was it. No interview for me, just "say goodbye" so we did. Weird. He has called a couple of times, and I took one of his AA sponsors over Sunday with me for Family Education and Visiting Hours. I told someone the place is like a combination of tiny college campus + prison: lovely setting, nice housing, and extremely scheduled time. And no money. Bartering is done with hard candy and food in the cafeteria: my breakfast eggs for your toast, my tuna sandwich for a haircut.

He's been fighting for a week to get his back pain addressed. Because he was taking opioids, they wanted him drug-free to assess whether it was an addiction to painkillers. [It's not.] In the meantime, he was getting OTC Tylenol by the handful. Not good. I think, as of Friday, they've finally figured out that the pain, she is real, and are giving him something else that's at least less-addictive (or non-addictive). He was pretty dire Sunday still. Lousy sleep, bad pain, lots of bounce-back from changing meds, and just crabby about everything.

Saturday was my birthday. He tried to make me a present the day before he left. It's a total failure. He didn't get a card, can't buy or mail anything from the facility, and so the day passed completely without fanfare. Sparky IM'd me to "sing," as did Jen, and I got a card from my sister, though I didn't pick that up till yesterday because it went to the P.O. box. Oh, and Beast called and wished me happy birthday in a 2 minute and 27 second call. I helped with Operation Christmas Child packing during the day as I do around this time every year, so that was a good-enough birthday present to myself.

My other me-gift was a note to everyone in both immediate families detailing what's been going on. A couple people knew some of it, but others had no idea. I'm done hiding out in my family. Just so very done. I heard from several people, all messages of support and even a couple of phone calls. I've missed being able to talk straight with everyone.

I'm debating whether I want to send Beast a card--his birthday is Friday--and I'm thinking not. Not out of retaliation exactly, but he bailed on Valentine's Day, anniversary AND birthday this year because he's so wrapped up in his own drama. I'll see him on Sunday. Or Monday. But I'm really tired of the universe spinning around him. For our counseling visit on Sunday, "we" talked about his pain relief issues and frustrations. The counselor asked me to start if I had any questions or concerns, and I mentioned the pain thing and he took the ball and ran with it for the rest of our allotted time. He's such a middle-aged-white-guy. Welcome to how the rest of the world has to interact with bureaucracy EVERY DAY!

Part of that last bit can be attributed to the horrific election results and all the White Boys on both sides of the political divide moaning and whining about how upsetting something is to them. SHUT THE FUCK UP, men! Really. You've had your centuries to talk and run things, but you have managed to do nothing but fuck things up. Let some women and minorities in the door, sit down and LISTEN.

OK. So last week sucked. It's pretty strange that with all my crying skills, I really have yet to shed many tears over anything this month. Once it all actually hits, in my usual delayed reaction awareness, it's going to SUUUUUCK!!

This weekend, I over-indulged in junk food and for the first time in my life actually made myself sick. I had to leave work early yesterday with a gurgly stomach, and--work being as it has been for awhile now--I'm not sure I'm up to ever going back. I suppose I have to, since I'm the sole breadwinner now. I stayed home today in any case. There are sheets in the dryer, I've looked at the bank statements to be sure I don't have any late bills, and I've caught up on Facebook. I'm going to finish this up and read some Beowulf. Clean out the fridge. Look for my P.E.O. pin. Figure out Thanksgiving planning. Vacuum the basement--which Beast was going to do before he left but ended up spending hours on this stupid project for my birthday. Put shit way. Figure out how to manage 2 toddlers in this not-child-proofed house. Take a nap. I'm supposed to be taking care of myself, right? So that's my nod to those directions that everyone has given me!

Continuing in a series of extremely sporadic updates..........

Mostly this post is for putting my thoughts together, something I'm increasingly needing--and not wanting--to do. I've been trying to practice the One Day, One Minute principles, except when I have to think about wider- and longer-term stuff because reality.

So in the past month:

• Beast got stopped out of state and cited for DUI and resisting arrest. He spent the night in jail. Even though he, and I the next morning, told the jail he is diabetic, he received no insulin until after his court appearance at 1 p.m., about 24 hours after his last injection.
• He was 'grounded' from travel at work. He drives a company car and because it was damaged--rear-view mirror knocked off--they didn't want him driving at all. So we rented a car for him.
• Boss seems to be behind him, working to see what he can do to keep Beast in the game. He's been a good supervisor through all of the drama of the past 3 years.
• In the process of this 'resisting' he is accused of, the officers threw him to the ground and sat on him. His neck, back, shoulders are incredibly sore, and remain so. We're both worried about damage being done to his neck implants, but it's his lower back that hurts most.
• First time back with his attorney at the courthouse went well, more or less. He hired a local attorney to help him figure out all the complications at this end of the driver licensing stuff that may come out of the court findings at trial in [other state].
• He starts intensive, daily AA meetings, and then gets back into outpatient rehab: 9-12 every week day.
• The morning of his third day of rehab, he has a work telecon he's asked to attend. Pretty normal stuff. Except this one starts out with his boss and a guy from HR telling him they're firing him. He's to send back his phone, computer, printer...and someone will be coming to get the car. (this was 8/22) 22 years at the same company.
• Last Thursday, I discover him asleep in the living room with an (empty) bottle of vodka on his lap. He, understandably but infuriatingly, bought it Monday. He tells a mutual (AA) friend over the weekend, however, he's got 30 days in program. I'm not entirely sure that all 30 days 'count' when you've been drinking at least for four of them. But whatever. He has a sponsor and he's a lot clearer on staying sober than he has been for awhile.
• We're leaving on vacation 9/5, overseas. His next (last, hopefully) court appearance out of state is 9/2. They could remand him. They could also tell him he can't leave the country. We don't know. If he doesn't go, Sparky and I have to figure out renting and driving a car in England on our own. Yes, we'll be going, because my nephew is getting married 9/9.
• I'm attending every damned Al-Anon meeting since this started. It's helping. I'm not freaking out. Only my boss and two coworkers know the details of all of this. My sponsors and other Al-Anon people. A couple of very good friends know some parts of it. My family knows NOTHING. Honestly, there's nothing for them to know until WE know what the court decides. ... Well, I guess they need to know he's unemployed.

That's my life right now. Getting through the days, hour by hour. Woke up in a panic attack this morning, but there's nothing I can do, so I chanted the Serenity Prayer in my head and it eased a bit. Next thing is going to work and getting through my day. A LOT of important stuff is getting passed by because I just can't. I'm barely keeping my head above water, so there's a lot of prayer and a lot of inaction otherwise. This might be the true meaning of "the wheels fell off" my life.

I haven't been over here in eons, but I feel like I need to scream into the void.

I'm very very tired of my life right now.
Don't worry--that's not suicidal tiredness. I'm tired of having to be the grownup, sensible person all the time.

Being a grownup is over-rated.

Oh well, at least right now I really couldn't possible care less if I've pissed someone off. Cuz I'm pretty irritated at the fact that my Sunday night just imploded in sticky little pieces. Fortunately, clean-up-able pieces, but still.

Silver lining: the new person at last week's Tuesday meeting ... is my neighbor. Whose name is (almost) the same as mine, and whose husband is named the same as mine. And shares the same addiction as mine.

So yay for that!!

Well, we're home.

I drove the RV back to the house day before yesterday. We unloaded after we arrived, in the dark, and I did a quick wipedown of everything. Then yesterday morning we took the RV to the car wash and then back to its home. So, we are done with our trip, officially, now.

Beast's shoulder is still really sore. The oxycodone and fentanyl is keeping him functional (and sleepy). He will see his regular doctor on Monday first thing. I'm trying to figure out if I'm going back to work early or not. I'd prefer 'not' but we'll see.

This might rank up there as one of the weirder weeks of my life. I'm glad Beast is ok, I'm glad we're home safe and sound, and I'm glad nothing was worse than it was. But it was pretty bad--though I keep sugar-coating it for public consumption.

Sparky was able to come visit today after meeting some friends for lunch not to far from here. He is doing well, I think. He's excited about a date he has set up on Monday, someone he's had his eye on for awhile, I guess.

Laundry from the trip is done. Most of the stuff from the trip is out of boxes and bags and replaced where it belongs. The shot glasses I thought I bought at the antique shop apparently didn't get included, which is irritating as they were gifts. We are blessed with wonderful friends who brought us homemade Indian curry for dinner. It was delicious, and there's enough left for lunch for me tomorrow. I sound the first of Sparky's used and no-longer-needed/wanted books on Amazon today. We're watching OSU and Penn State...until Beast falls asleep anyway. The "s" key on my laptop is flaking out, so typing is annoying.

Vacation

I haven't ever blogged from my phone but here I am, sitting by a firepit while Beast burns things, listening to night-singing bugs and nearly indistinguishable music from across the campground. The wind is blowing in the treetops but not so much down here on the ground. 

Yes, we're camping. In an RV, which we rented from CruiseAmerica. So soft (ish) sleeping spots and protection from temperature changes and electricity. ...After my shower this morning, I blow-dried my hair. Because I could. Beast showered in the RV but I used the campground showers which was fine. 

I even cooked tonight. Yes, basic chicken and a box dinner on the side but still cheaper than eating out every meal. 

We're doing a Heartland tour. Today was a tour of Abraham & Mary Lincoln's home prior to his election to the Presidency in 1860. It's a lovely house, in good condition, and with much original furniture. We wandered around the 'neighborhood' near the house and then walked across downtown to a bar Beast found on Packerseverywhere.com (not sure how to do a hyperlink using the phone) and watched the Pack beat St. Louis with a bunch of Packerbackers. The place is only open the Sundays they play and only for the duration of the game.  It was fun. We'll find another place next week...

[Why does campfire smoke ALWAYS follow me???]

Think I'm going to finish this up now. Only a couple of logs left. Then I'll go in and read about Mary Todd's rather sad life.

Satisfaction

I'm so tired I can barely sit upright. In fact, I'm on the couch with the footrest up and leaning into the arm side at about a 30% angle.

Long day. Dentist, then 9 hours sitting in a hospital room waiting for a new baby to arrive.
He did.
He's adorbs*.
No one knows his name except his parents. I don't get it. Presumably we'll find out tomorrow.

I didn't do anything strenuous but I'm really freaking tired.
Perhaps it's because of the hellaciously weird and bad week full of bomb squad stories, internet infamy, FOIA, grand jury duty (we did about 25 cases yesterday and issued 20 or so subpoenas), and the usual Crazy Cat Lady tricks. Add to that a new baby, driving 2.5 hours in heavy street traffic today, picking up a CPAP (which meant an hour-long drive round-trip) Tuesday and trying to get use to having a tube and nozzle attached to my face at night. I felt much better yesterday morning--really awake for the first time in awhile--but last night didn't go as well. Bad dreams.

Sparky changed jobs this week too. He started the week vomiting, by midweek was totally up-in-the-air job-wise, and ended the week in a much better place all the way around. And that's after we saw him last Saturday.

Then there was the moth in the shower with me yesterday. {{shudder}} Which landed on my forehead which I then spotted in the mirror on the side of the shower and freaked me the fuck out completely.

I'm really really hoping tomorrow is boring.

*and he's in NICU tonight because they detected a mass in his torso after a non-routine ultrasound of his mom last week; otherwise he seems fine, however.

Doxxed (kinda)

Here's the (abridged) version of an email I sent yesterday to my close family and friends. Brackets [] indicate stuff I removed to remain anonymous on search engines and Blogger. Curly brackets {} indicate clarifications and additional information. I've also used some of my usual obfuscation here as a way to block Google searches.

Just a quick note to clarify what I posted on Facebook earlier today about going dark for awhile.

If you G00gle "#dg@r c0^nty w@tchd0gs" and "0rl@nd P@rk" {not my community} and go to the 'lead' story for today {i.e. Wednesday} you'll get some sense of why I've decided to hunker down. It's a long story, but essentially I made some comments on Facebook in a librarian group {over the weekend, at home} about the bullying behavior of M#g@n F0x (not the actress); she is somehow associated with the #dg@r c0^nty person/people. A little digging will show that she has made the lives of the employees of 0rl@nd P@rk L!br@ry hell for quite some time. If you have a strong stomach, you can find her on Facebook on a page called F@ns of M#g@n F0x. Make of it what you will.

I'm sending this to family and a few close friends but blind CC. I think I deleted any work emails from the addresses--I don't want ANY of this to bleed into a weird place for any of you. If people with whom you live want to read this but didn't get the email, it's because I don't have a "home" address for them.

This morning, my boss (the library director), the mayor of [the city in which I work], and the HR director for the City all received an email from the author of the #dg@r c0^nty BS alerting them to that "article." So, yeah, I've brought the wrath of Sauron (??) down on the whole building. There's another weird coincidence that could blow the lid off, but I'm hoping that doesn't occur. They have also [asked for] my workplace for my timesheets.

{That was yesterday's request. Monday they asked for all our credit card statements and receipts. Earlier in the month, they apparently spam-requested every library in the state for our internet porn policies and some other policy information. By the way, I'm so paranoid that the [] brackets in the previous paragraph refer to a certain act [hint] that ensures that we all have the freedom of [hint] asking for information [hint] from the government. It's meant to be a good checkup for people to investigate details of what various officials are up to, but it has been badly mishandled and abused in recent years by people like this crowd. The initials of the law are in the italicized words above.}

I'll just end with a request that if you get any weird email or other contact from anyone related to this, let me know. My Facebook page was (already) pretty locked down, but I don't know if they were able to nose around at all. Most of the info in that article is from LinkedIn, while [sic] I've now closed down as well. Generally, though, I'd appreciate it if you'd keep the whole thing under your hat in public forums or with friends. Yes, I'm paranoid!

Wow, this turned into a lengthy email! Sorry. Drama is so much fun. Don't use Facebook at work--thank goodness I did all the commenting about the situation over the weekend at home!

I am heartened to know that my boss and the City are behind me in support of my freedom of speech. I hope it doesn't come to needing that support in any way beside my morale, but I did call an attorney friend yesterday to alert her.

Right now I'm in full-DO NOT FEED THE TROLLS mode. I'm angry at myself for allowing myself to be "caught" by this. I'm not convulsively visiting any of the sites in question, although I do have a blogspot site pinned called M#g@n F0x is a Cyb#rbully (feel free to visit that if you'd like to know how to report her Facebook page...or not, as you wish). She and her minions have been over there spouting their shit so if you want a short primer on their tactics that might be the place to start.

FWIW, and to be clear, I am not a fan of p0rn0graphy on the internet, but I do abhor censorship. Filters have been shown not to work well, which is why libraries generally don't use them on public computers. I have asked patrons to please stop viewing inappropriate sites in plain sight of other patrons, which really is the issue here. If you want more (and more...and more) information on filtering or the 0rl@nd P@rk Publ!c L!ibrary, there is tons on the ALA site besides the link above, and at this link.

So now I'm off to grand-jury duty. Tomorrow I'm going to the hospital where Katharine is to be induced for the birth of her third child. They have found a 'mass' near his kidney or adrenal gland, so he will go directly to NICU for evaluation. I won't be at work officially again until next Monday, by which time hopefully this will have all blown over.

Funeral

I'm not a huge fan of funerals. I mean, I see their purpose, and I appreciate the chance to attend memorials for people I've known and loved.

Funerals are hard. They are sad--duh--and awkward and weird and uncomfortable. If you're a family member of the deceased, they're a little more manageable because you have a script to follow, places to be, plans to attend to, and you generally know a large percentage of the people in attendance.

Funerals for people who have lived long, happy lives and/or suffered a great deal before death can even be sort of a relief for those of us who have watched the decline and illness and pain.

But the funeral I'm going to today is for the partner of someone I don't know well; I know her well enough to know too much. The funeral I'm going to today is for someone who had indeed suffered a great deal and chose to end the suffering herself in a rather unpleasant way. The funeral today is for someone I only knew about through the partner/friend, and in a context where she was not presented in a good light. As a result of her death, my friend has been left in a particularly untenable financial situation, which is not what one wants to think about in the midst of mourning.

I really really hate these funerals. Funerals for people who died too young, who died because they lost focus on the important and good things around them....man these suck. They make me ANGRY. I feel impotent and helpless and overwhelmed. And awkward and weird and uncomfortable.

This is one of those moments when I know that the whole "do what makes you happy" school of thought is dead wrong. Because there is pretty much nothing happy-making about the next two hours.

ADDENDUM: It was actually somewhat worse than expected. Let me count the ways:

• The family-of-birth of the honoree completely dissed the partner. She wasn't mentioned in the bulletin or acknowledged by the speaker/pastor. Yes, they were a lesbian couple. That shouldn't matter--they were together for 10 years!
• It was held in the "atrium"-like area of one of those mega-church branches, which is located in an industrial park. The acoustics were abysmal, and the space was too small for the number of people. It was like someone's living room on meth.
• The location may be the reason people were still arriving 20 minutes after the scheduled start time.
• They burned foul incense, and maybe sage (which I get, but not with the incense, yuck) before the service, and played mental carousel music afterwards.
• People walked in carrying Starbucks. W T F ?
• The pastor/leader had obviously never met the honoree and barely had her name figured out, though the fact of her suicide was mentioned, and then waved away. And then the dude did a (modified) altar call in the midst of the homily, complete with a prayer for those committing themselves to Jesus, and the offer of Bibles after the service! As a Christian, I just wanted to melt into the floor.
• The family never spoke to the partner--and vice versa--and when the partner was getting more attention, the mom commenced WASPy weeping.

God save us all from the drama kings and queens around us, and from mean, vindictive, clueless people at these times.

Whingey whinge McWhingester

I haven't been feeling great. Free-floating nausea since Monday, and I finally gave in and accepted that the stuffy nose all weekend is actually NOT allergies but a low-level summer cold. I left work early Monday over Miss W's objections to having "no one" to cover the hour I had left in the children's room; there were four people off-desk that hour, so WTAF, woman?

I worked all day yesterday, feeling cruddy and spastic from the meds I was taking to feel less cruddy. I had to leave at 4 to rehearse the initiation ceremony for P.E.O. and then went back to work. Since I was supposed to be on-desk for just that hour, Miss W. put me on the schedule for the next two hours after I got back. So, I traded one hour for two because....she's vindictive.

So today at 3:30 when I realized that I wasn't going to make it for 8 hours, I bypassed her and went right to the boss to say I was going home. It left us with a very light staff for the evening, but seriously I feel like hell. And I'm pretty sure I picked this up from Sparky last week, so I know it's contagious. Beast is at a workshop this week, and he was up all night last night throwing up. Fun times.

After getting upset yesterday about the scheduling thing yesterday, the last thing I wanted to do was go to my meeting, but I swung through McDonald's for a cheeseburger and forced myself to go. Thank God. Last night's topic was "Jealousy" so I didn't think I'd have a lot to contribute, but I'm glad I went. However, upon returning home, it became quickly apparent that getting up for 6:30 Bible Study was probably not a great idea. I was awake for a couple of hours in the early morning hours (3-5) as has become regular, especially this week. I finally dropped back off at 5:15 and woke up again at 8, got up, showered, had breakfast and headed off to see Dr. Patel to see about scheduling a sleep study. Beast informed me a couple of weeks ago that I'm snoring louder and louder and stopping breathing often. I did wake myself up last week sometime with a loud snort, so....yeah. CPAP here I come, yay, not.

From the doc, I stopped at Walgreen's for an Rx and cold medicine and then hit McDonald's, again, for lunch (a salad) which I ate in the break room at work. And then felt like death the rest of the afternoon...and still now. I don't think I'm going to work tomorrow, not unless I feel a helluva lot better.

I'm fed up, beyond that really, with work. Home is better; Beast seems to be working the program for the last few weeks. I'm trying to keep the focus on me. Sparky's got about 6 job offers, all non-chemistry things, but I think he's going to be ok. He's been a real help the last month around the house, and pleasant on top of the helpfulness.

Right. I've blogged. I've whined. Life isn't as bad as it feels right now....it could always be worse. But I'm simply not motivated to knock myself out about putting my hours in at work. That's another post. Maybe. Also whiney. So, enough. Time for some sort of stomach-calming food, and then bed.

Family day

Prior to the arrival of the visitors, someone fell asleep on the couch.

As you can tell in the background, we have mostly moved EVERYTHING out of the living room except the big pieces of furniture.

Then Katherine, Alan, and E arrived.

E likes our ceiling fan. A whole lot of like. Pretty much like god-worship. He looooooooves it. He got a tour of the rest of the fans in the house too, but this is the big winner for him. He's adorbs. Just simply adorable.

Beast is helping put shoes on before the departure. They got along famously. Really well. E is at the age of "never met a stranger" and that's a blast. I got lots of cuddles and read 5 books to him. Even Sparky got cuddles:

Yes, that's my idiot son holding someone his mental age. Seriously, he does love kids, although he tries hard not to let anyone know. He might make a decent dad someday. E cracked him up today, several times to the point of Sparky's breathing being seriously inhibited.


Now, we've gotten the dining room emptied. The living room stuff, I guess, will go tonight or maybe tomorrow morning? I'm not sure what the details of the plan are. Beast is leaving for Michigan after the construction guys get here tomorrow. Sparky will be GCing since I have to work.

We got a call about an hour ago from Del saying he's got water seeping into his house (in Dallas), so he's postponing his trip here this week. He needs to get his son (Ham) over to help install a French drain; I have the sense that he's screwed up his back working on rehabbing one of his bathrooms this past week, so the drain installation is beyond him. Anyway, he won't be here till later next week.

Home repair

Today's been a weird day. It doesn't feel like Sunday--I worked yesterday, and I have tomorrow off. I went to church, but even that was weird as our pastor is on sabbatical for the summer so we are having guests and backups while he's gone. Like the Supremes but no Diana. Anyway...it was a good sermon.

Then I came home and we started moving the smaller things out of the living room and dining room in preparation for the guys' arrival on Tuesday to repair the damage from Beast's last escapade. Tomorrow Katherine and Alan and baby E are coming over for a few hours of family time, and after they're gone we'll move out the big furniture: couch, dining room table, etc.

Sparky graduated two weeks ago today, so he's been home since then trying to get his "adult life" started. Going through all the crap in his bedroom, sorting and tossing out stuff, and on the phone endlessly about jobs, apartments and friend drama. There's a girl...young woman. He has been a trouper, but he so very desperately wants to be O.U.T. and on his own. Not enough to be going door-to-door looking for jobs, though; that's notable. And he still has to finish one class this fall, so he can't get a full-time 'normal' job unless they're ok with him bailing for a few hours a week for 16 weeks.

This week, Beast is back on the road. He'll be in Michigan all week visiting the Mother Ship (his term for this site). The following week he's doing a swing through L.A. and surrounding areas. I'm honestly kind of glad to see him go. Life is much less stressful and worrisome when he's not around.

Meanwhile, this coming Friday, my brother Del is coming to visit because he's got business visits to make in our area. So he'll be using us as Home Base for those for ....some period of time. The day after we found out about this, my nephew James called after 7 months of silence. I wasn't able to pick up the phone, so he texted: "call me omg" which could mean anything from "I'm engaged!" to "Dad died!" to "I just crushed my hand between a forklift and a wall and I'm calling from the ER!" None of the above as it turned out; he is closing on a house, moving in this coming week, and has invited us up to 'inspect' (a.k.a. ooh and ahh over) it next Sunday. Del wanted to see him and Don while he was in the area anyway, so we'll just make it a family thing.

(It just occurred to me that I'm probably supposed to let Katherine et al. know, which is tricky since Del surely wants nothing to do with seeing her, so I wasn't going to tell her that he was here, but now that James has this house thing, I have to tell her that...holy shit, I'm still in high school! This is why [my?] family is so fucking annoying. Guess I'll just lay it all out tomorrow and let the chips fall, etc.]

Work is...work. Frustrating. Explosively irritating. I'm doing better at Keeping My Mouth Shut and Being Nice to Coworkers (smh) and I got a decent annual performance review last month at the end of our fiscal year. Aside from the BS that I have to be nicey-nicey while other people can bark and snap, it's actually going pretty well. So behind in cataloging it's no longer an issue to anyone but me, I guess, but I think that's just life. We're under a city-wide hiring freeze due to our new governor's political maneuvering, and we're short about 1 FTE person which means we're all pitching in more than usual. Life goes on. And on

Beast informed me late last week that he's pretty sure that I've developed apnea. He says that since my surgery in early February, I've gotten substantially more snore-y and stop breathing briefly at night only to start back up with a snort. So I've called my doctor to schedule a sleep study. I think the doc is also going to make me start taking insulin or at least start monitoring my glucose level very closely. It would be useful if I would stop eating so much crap. Maybe I'll take him up on signing up with the medical practice's diet-and-nutrition program.

Two of my nieces--Katherine and Marguerite--are pregnant again. M is due in the next 3 weeks and K is 'officially' due in October, but she will probably go in early and be induced because of this.

So that's the update.

Curve Ball

So, this week I start back at work. I was at my desk for a couple of hours today, just making sure it's fairly clear. My plan for tomorrow is to at least double that and focus on cataloging for as long as I can. I absolutely have to talk to my boss--whether he wants to talk to me is undetermined. I'm irritated with him. Can you tell?

This weekend absolutely did not go as planned. Beast fell in the bathroom very early Saturday morning at some point and broke the handle in

Our former shower handle

the shower off -- among other things that were disarranged -- which then sprayed water all over the bathroom for I-don't-know-how-long. When I finally woke up and heard Beast moaning and got up to find him, the water had leaked through the floor and dumbed at least an inch in the dining room, which then leaked through the floor joists into the basement. Fortunately, we have plastic covers on the dining room table and pool table. But a lot of stuff got wet.

Shower handprints

And Beast took the 911 taxi to get sorted out at the hospital. No permanent damage, but lots of facial bruising and a solid smack on the ribs where he separated them playing football 30 years ago.

He's sore. I'm ... all over the map. Still sore on my throat but the dermabond, a.k.a. Superglue, is almost completely gone.

Emotionally, I think Beast and I are all over the map, though. Angry, sad, frantic, glad nothing worse happened, tired, anxious.

It definitely was not my favorite Valentine's Day, for sure.

Living room ceiling

Dining room ceiling

Sparky did come home for the day, which was excellent. We took him out for dinner at a semi-nice place, and it was good to listen to him talk and talk and talk about life. His birthday was the day before I had surgery. My little boy is almost the age I was when I got married. Hard to believe.

Things I've learned* recently

*or been reminded of

• Catholics do religious ceremony extremely well.
• Mentioning a bar mitzvah following said Catholic ceremony certainly got the attention of a little ol' lady bigot...and she didn't even know my last name "is Jewish" or that I was kidding about the bar mitzvah.
• God is weird. Also extremely obvious when He wants me to be learning something: the lesson at Sunday School and the homily for mass were essentially the same in spite of being at two churches 60 miles apart and in different denominations.
• Bucket list item: receiving the Body and Blood at a Catholic church. Just because they say I can't.
• If you take (or even took, years ago) Risperdal, you can't join the Marines.
• OTOH, why was an 11-year-old taking Risperdal in the first place?
• There is a big difference between personality quirks and mental illness. Whether they're as crazy as the day is long or not, some people are just bossy, pretentious boors.
• Some things never change.
• I stand by my statement of about ten years ago that someone who is always finding fault in others in the meanest possible way definitely has some self-esteem issues.
• Sitting on wooden chairs for 4 hours over the course of about 7 hours total + still-bruised tailbone = very sore butt for the next two (at least) days.
• Some people should never have children, at least not the children they have.
• Staring at a computer screen while clicking back and forth between 2-3 different programs can cause motion sickness. Especially when one's bifocals need adjusting.
• I need to have goals. For my annual evaluation. I absolutely loathe goal-setting. My goal every day is to get stuff done, feel good about the product and amount of stuff I got done, and go home to read/play/sleep. I don't think that's what the boss wants to hear.
• It rains a lot in the spring around here. I probably shouldn't have gotten out the summer pajamas yet. Or taken the blanket off the bed.
• A confluence of realizations has caused me to understand that I'm late-middle-aged: children whose births I remember clearly reaching adulthood (and in some cases having kids of their own), the fact that I've lived in this area for coming up on 20 years this June, and Sparky being old enough now to drink, and people around me suddenly looking OLD....and a growing lack of tolerating nonsense.
• Cancer sucks. No. Really: it sucks. We're watching a friend die this month after being in remission just 6 months ago. She has, now, maybe three weeks (I'm figuring that she was told a month, give or take, during Holy Week). God, give her strength. Lord, give us all strength.
• Keeping plastic bugs in your desk drawer means that a certain contingent of the population will always stop by to visit when their parents bring them in.
• I know awesome people. Some of them are ridiculous and silly, but they are good and kind and loving and forgiving.
• Recovery is an interesting, joyful, painful, irritating, and glorious process.

Did I mention my butt hurts? I think it's time for Tylenol and bed.

Ten years ago today....

Yes, this year marks my 10th anniversary of blogging. Since I almost never post anything current, I've decided to throw some of the posts from that year over onto this blog.

The first few posts of my first year of blogging weren't that thrilling, but this is a fun snapshot of what my life was like then.

Life is hectic.

Saturday: Worked all day (9-6). Came home and finally watched Survivor. Weird episode. Crashed into bed after a bath.

Sunday: Promiseland. Church--good sermon, on forgiveness, how-to. The Beast ended up filling in to count money. I ended up chatting up the rest of the congregation. VN asked again, "How's the house?" She is SO angling for an invitation... ;-) Somehow I think I volunteered to copyedit the Powerpoint sermon stuff for the pastor. How does this happen?!

More Sunday: Ate BK in the library staff room with the family. Worked 1-4. Chaos at circ. Ref was steady but under control, except for the Jobs PC which has apparently blown into kingdom come. Flashing lights, power off, different flashing lights, power off, more flashing lights....nevermind. Sparky stayed and "did homework" while I worked. Mostly he really was, although Z and his sister were there for a bit.

Still More Sunday: "Can Z spend the night?" Ugh. Fine, so pick him up on our way home from work. Home--Sore feet, pizza from P*ul##'s (Z actually ATE at our house!!), Beast in full crash-and-burn mode with sore everything. I end up staying up till 11 and forcing the kids to sleep at that point.

Monday: Into town to return Z to his house. PowerChurch for 90 minutes. Home. Back to town to take Sparky to Ch@llenger Center for program on Mars. Home. Back to town to pick him up, stop at store for 5 things. 10-items-or-less line is apparently dorkville--takes 15 minutes to check 3 people through and I'm trapped. Home. Leftover pizza with fresh salad (from Dorkville). Beast is at volleyball, Sparky is dictating his Young Author story to me while I word-process it. Three chapters done, he hits the shower and then we Hobbit. He goes to bed at 7:30.

Monday late: The Beast's doing taxes--I am totally "See ya!!" Bath therapy for me. Come back downstairs and write note to family out of guilt--still haven't called MOM!!! Too late now. Lights out for me at 10. Beast too! ...amazing we actually went to sleep at the same time...course, he was up at 4... Must be that nap he got yesterday...

Today: Out of bed--only one snooze--at 6. Left for school/work at 7. Phones not working, Crazy Cat Woman calls in "sick" as usual on the day after a Monday holiday so I'm at desks for 2 hours. Nothing gets done. My desk is a train wreck, fly box overflowing, TWO carts full of cataloging to do and more coming, and reserves out the wazoo.

And more work tonight.

THE GOOD NEWS? This is my last week of working nights, possibly for over a year! Hurrah hurrah hurrah. I can eat meals with my family for a change--that means I need to get my meal plan organized instead of higgledy piggledy. Which reminds me, I have meat defrosted and must make something of it, not to mention the Young Author panting down my neck with Chapter Four.

Read? Haven't been. But I have--somehow--lost weight. These pants have been friggin' falling down all day. Annoying.

I'd love to be annoyed with falling-down pants again. I have the exact opposite problem these days.

12 Days of Christmas Blog Challenge

5 Life lessons you learnt in 2013 (29th December)

I'm still working on internalizing and living most of these, but they are the ones that I had to keep going back to revisit because they are HARD for me.

1. Detachment from drama is necessary. I've never liked drama, or dramatic people, but this year was a solid reminder that this is a wholly rational thing--drama isn't good for me.
2. Babies' births are everyday miracles. I watched one arrive this year, and it's pretty unbelievable. Another addition to the extended family looks like it will be arriving any day now, and I'm beyond excited even though I won't be there this time.
3. Grades in school do not indicate success in life. I hope. ;-)
4. Say no and mean it, and then don't feel guilty about it.
5. People, in general, are good and helpful and friendly. I think most of us have a much larger support system than we recognize, or utilize.

Click on image to play along

When it rains...or snows...

Well, after a pretty awesome week--not without speed bumps, but generally upward-moving--the wheels fell off the bus spectacularly last night. I'm sitting in my living room wearing three layers and a scarf and fingerless gloves; the temperature in here is 51 degrees. Beast fell last night and broke the gas pipe into the house just before the shutoff, so it had to be shut off outside. Except, yeah, I don't (didn't) remember where to do that, and he was too wacko from the fumes (among other things) to give me any direction. I woke up at about 1:15 needing to pee, smelled that wonderful 'gas additive' smell, and got the doors open to air things out and called the fire department who arrived and evacuated us both, opened all the windows in the house, and found the main shut-off. Beast went to the hospital because he was so spacey, and had been right next to the leak for who-knows how long. I sat in the police car till the gas company representative arrived to check for any remaining leaks, cap the pipe, and give the all-clear. I got to the hospital at about 4:30, hung out till I talked to the doctor just before 6, left to make assorted calls (my workplace, Beast's workplace, doctor's office to cancel my appt. and try to reschedule, etc.), and to try to get repairs started. Am currently operating on about 2 hours' worth of sleep, caffeine, and the dregs of adrenaline as I wait for a couple of friends who think they can probably fix the pipe to arrive and scope things out. I may need to call a plumber. And of course at some point I need to see if Beast is coming home today.

Having typed all that, I think my next move is to go get actual gloves because my hands are cold. I'm actually starting to have those deep shivers that start near my core.

.....

Well, the first angel arrived and he thinks this should be fixable by amateurs, at least in the short run (pun totally intended, because this piping has been an issue since we moved in and needs to be a longer run...so that this exact thing wouldn't happen). He's off to the hardware store, and I'm going to get the space heater that's been in my bedroom to take the chill off at night. I can put that here in the living room and be more comfortable. What reminded me? The fact that the basement is warmer than the rest of the house and I finally realized it's because there's a space heater down there boosting the ambient temp all the way up to about 55. Maybe even 60!

P'raps I'll grab a catnap while I wait for repairs to be effected. It's up to 52 in here, thanks to the oven (electric) being on and open in the kitchen.

November

I haven't had much to say that's printable over the past month. Lots of internal work. Lots of tongue- and lip-biting. And nail-biting. Certainly not a great deal of fun. Plus, I turned 50 this week.

Today we're going to the zoo. It's a fundraiser for a project in a city near and dear to Beast's and my hearts, which is run by the son of our current pastor. We had planned to go but hadn't purchased tickets, and then T. emailed Beast earlier in the week to see if we wanted to use the tickets he'd gotten for his parents (our pastor and his wife). Since we'll be within shouting distance of Sparky, we'll have a little time to see him today too. It's a sort of low-impact thing that will do good things in the community and maybe not be too overwhelming in a social sense. I hope. Plus, Beast needs to book two Saturday nights at Holiday Inns before the end of the year to achieve...something...so we're spending the night. And then rushing back so I can help teach Sunday School tomorrow.

Right now, Beast is off to a meeting, and I'm supposed to be headed to Weight Watchers. Neither of us is excited about our respective 'dates'--he's annoyed/frustrated/angry with His Guy at the meeting, and I know I've packed on some pounds. This was, after all, the week that, for the first time ever, I left the house specifically to go to the mini-mart and buy junk food to eat because I was stressed. Anyway, because I don't eat before I weigh in, Beast and I plan to hit the local yummy pancake place for breakfast afterwards. I'm getting a flu shot as well because his meeting is longer than mine.

Nothing much to say in the wide world except that I really hate November in spite of it being Beast's and my birthday month. Next week is the 19th anniversary of my dad's death (his birthday was earlier in the month), and I've been thinking about and missing him like mad. Beast's discussions of how he's dealing with the deaths of his parents have stirred the pot for me, but even without that, it's still just a shitty period of the year. And Thanksgiving follows up, which I love as a holiday but has a lot of potential for emotional landmines.

Someone this week reminded me that November is the cloudiest month of the year around here (tied with February). It's been pretty lousy this year, and suddenly cold. I'm kind of dreading winter and my SAD kicking back in, and all the extra drama of the holidays and so forth. But, there's nothing to be done about time passing, so I'll just face each day the best I can. Thank GOD for my friends!! No, seriously, I'm pretty sure I'd be in a locked ward if not for them! That goes for blog-friends as well as in-the-flesh friends.

So, I'm skating the surface in this post. I have some ideas of how to get back to writing more consistently here, but getting into the habit is a difficulty. I need to banish Facebook from my life, and do this instead.

That's all. Off to hear bad news about my weight. Whee.

Life

...is definitely what happens while we're making other plans.

It's been a nightmare around here. I've been bailing water from a sinking boat. The boat sank on Saturday night. Right now, I'm working on a salvage mission, hoping that the boat WANTS to float some more.

The "boat" is currently in the hospital detoxing, almost 36 hours after the legal 'drunk' wore off. Things are...minute by minute. I'm going to an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow night with a friend from church. It's a whole new world for us. I hope. Because if I don't hope, I'm going under for good.

Whine

I hate my life right now.

Saturdays at work simply bite because I'm in the middle between two other librarians who are at either end of the energy scale, but both are very annoying and I would be happy to force them both into a cage match, fight to the death.

Home just isn't fun. I'm trying to be patient and holding it together till next Monday (9 days from now) when I hope Beast's doctor can magically cure everything.

My extended family is also making me crazy.

Bright spots? Maybe not few, but certainly far between.