Showing posts with label Occasionally Dead Serious. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Occasionally Dead Serious. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Round One--House Cleanup in the books

BIL was here over the weekend, along with Sparky. We did a LOT of things!
  • The office is emptier and a little more organized; I need to clear out files yet, but the surfaces have been emptied and lots of stuff went in the trash and elsewhere. 
  • The basement...well, the main room looks worse, but the workroom/shop area...! I can actually walk into it without feeling like I'll trip and kill myself getting to the lights. BIL went through a lot of stuff from his side of the family. Much of it got tossed. There are at least two full contractor bags of trash that I'll need to get to the curb over the course of several weeks; ditto with all the magazines and other recycling. 
  • We got the Honda started and moved out of the garage. The giant heap of cardboard boxes is collapsed into one box for recycling. 
  • The insurance paperwork is sorted and generally made sense of. 
  • BIL found Beast's Social Security card (which I need for part of the Medicaid form) in a box of Random Things From Some Drawer. 
  • Sparky found Beast's cross necklace, which he now has with him.
And yesterday after BIL and Sparky left, I finally cancelled SiriusXM ($200/month), downgraded DirecTV and ordered a new remote (saving $150/month), and downgraded our Sprint account to three lines and no more monthly charges for Beast's and my phone (saving $100/month). I spent, quite literally, over two hours on phone calls to Sprint to delete BIL's number from our account and was so frustrated by the end I was just repeating "ALL I want to do is delete the line. That's all" and sobbing. They kept telling me only the account holder could cancel lines, and as I'm not the account holder it can't be done. So then let's change the name on the account--nope, gotta have proof that I'm allowed to do that. So where do I fax/email the paperwork proving I'm allowed? A transfer to another department and some ridiculous procedure that involves SNAIL-MAIL, but I really need to talk to someone else about cancelling the line...transfer back to where I started but to a new person to whom I have to give my name, the name of the account, the PIN and the password. I definitely know the PIN now! Which is great, since I'm the one who created it and changed all the online account info last month after another (shorter) marathon to find out how to do that, with the threat that if I couldn't get into the account, they wouldn't get paid because I couldn't access the bill. Oh, and I left out two trips to the nearest store--the staff of which was great, by the way!--and an online chat with customer service. All this between 2 and 6 yesterday afternoon. DirecTV = 20 minutes on the phone tops. SiriusXM = no more than a 10-minute call. Sprint = a four-hour ordeal that was only resolved when I started sobbing and calling Beast "a vegetable" who can't talk on the phone for fuck's sake! I only swore once, by the way. I just have to say that when I get really upset, it becomes entirely impossible for me to understand accented English. The guy who finally just canceled the damn thing...when he told me that, I sobbed out something like, "You're the nicest guy I've spoken to today" and then hung up without further ado. So I hope he a) deleted the right line, and b) actually DID something because I have no confirmation # to prove anything with.

[Time out to check the online bill. Guess what. The extra line is still on the bill. Also, I'm "past due" with my payment, but only $.26 is due. My next payment will be minus the $15 and whatever other charges for that extra line. I hate HATE Spring customer service.]

In short, all the wind is out of my sails. The house, superficially, looks worse: more piles in places I can see in rooms I use, and I still have all this goddamned paperwork to fill out which requires still more phone calls and planning and TIME and Finding Things (like 5 years' worth of tax returns and pay stubs and bank statements) and Making Copies of Found Things (same as above)... The weather is abysmal: rainy and dank and gray. The mailbox "temporary" fix has tipped over into the street, so I'm going to have to go to the P.O. and ask them to hold my mail for pickup till I can get someone to power out a new post-hole for a new post and mailbox setup (which means waiting for the ground to thaw). And the stupid Honda is still here, albeit out of the garage finally. The last person I want to see today is Beast, and all I want to do is crawl back in bed and alternately sleep and cry and feel sorry for myself.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
Today was my 11th annual jaunt to one of the local middle schools to judge [School Name] Project presentations. It's one of my favorite days of the year. All the 8th-graders in town have to do a semester-long project on a topic of their choice that culminates in a written paper AND a presentation in front of community members posing as judges. We rate them 1-to-4 on various things (not just the writing, or the actual speaking, but like 10 different specific things: tone of voice, extra 3D/show-and-tell stuff, ability to recover from errors, etc.) It's extraordinarily rare for me to give anyone a 1 for any part of it. Today was a LOT of 4s. And they were actually a pretty good collection of presentations this year. Some years I feel like I've stepped into Lazy Teenage Hell. Not much of that this time, thank God!

So here's the topics they presented today, with commentary as appropriate:
  • Creating video games (a good start; he had some technical difficulties getting started, but he's obviously interested in the subject and juiced about studying for this career, so that always helps a lot)
  • Computer programming (another job-related one; not too many people get excited about writing code, but this kid is one of them!)
  • History of tractors (yes, really, chosen because he's "been driving tractors since I was, like 7, and my grandpa used to have, like, 48 tractors"--and it was actually fun to listen to him gabbling on about John Deere and Allis-Chalmers, etc.)
  • Renewable energy (well done; I wanted to ask her how she feels about the current policies in D.C. but I didn't want to start WWIII in the judges' area....)
  • New Orleans (we should all go, and here are some Voodoo chips and Mardi Gras beads--it's ALWAYS good to feed the judges!)
  • Childhood in Nazi Germany (this was absolutely fascinating--the kid's babysitter/nanny when he was little was a woman who grew up in Germany during WWII; she was 7 when the war ended; he did an absolutely wonderful job integrating her stories with historical research)
  • Jamaica (we should all go to Jamaica, which is a constitutional monarchy without a monarch where their favorite drink is rum; I think this is the first time they were allowed to do vacation destinations as a project, and I got two of them)
  • History of [the city in which she lives] (barely phoned it in, and ended with "it was hard to find information because it's not a very big town"--my first question was "Did you GO to the public library?" Kid: "Oh yeah, I got a book there." Me: "I work there. We have file cabinets FULL of stuff about the city's history." I was pissed. Don't expect me to believe you started this project prior to May 10, dude!)
  • Schizophrenia (nicely done, though she talked so fast I'm not entirely sure what she said--but she had a LOT to say!)
  • Hockey history (first 6 professional teams; surprisingly interesting, despite my overall lack of interest in ice hockey)
  • [state north of us] university sports (fun, and interesting reasons for doing this topic--neither parent went to college at this school--and he's stoked about getting an athletic scholarship there in a few years)
  • How did WW2 start/end (ah the obligatory WW2 talk...yawn--seriously, kids, it's interesting but find a different angle--see above re growing up in Nazi Germany)
  • Large animal veterinarian (another one that gets done often, though usually not specifically large animals--however, she raises pigs and her sister has horses, so she's motivated, and interesting)
  • North Korean human rights (this was a split-personality presentation: the kid had a speech impediment and maybe some other, cognitive, issues, and he pretty much just read his slideshow to us; BUT he knew his stuff, he did research (he's not Korean), and it was topical and I learned a BUNCH of stuff from him. BRAVO!!)
LUNCH (I brought a cheese sandwich and walnuts and almonds and begged a bottle of pop from the teacher's lounge--and I read about books while I ate)
  • History of basketball (another topic about which I have zero interest, but the kid made it fun to listen to)
  • Animal shelters (yet another perennial--she didn't kill herself with research, but it was clearly presented and heartfelt. And there were no pictures of puppy mills, which was a blessing; there are usually horrible photos that go with this subject)
  • Pediatrician (possibly the most professionally-done speech of the day. She kicked ass in terms of speaking and researching, citing sources in the speech itself, and just generally Doing It Right)
  • Volkswagens (who knew there were VW hobbyists? And this kid is specifically into VW buses! He had me hooked--and then he started explaining all the engine specs...yawn...but his enthusiasm was palpable)
  • Airplane piloting (this was one of those kids with the "modern" hairstyle that mimics the kids -I- went to middle school with 40 years ago; he wasn't all that into the whole academic thing, but he wants to be a pilot and has actually co-piloted a plane, so that was cool)
  • Law enforcement (unfortunate: very quiet, pretty much never looked up from reading his notecards, obviously scared out of his mind; and he wants to be a cop)
  • Cosmetology (she wants to do makeup when she grows up, or model; I know what you're picturing, and she's not any of those things, but she definitely has presence and poise)
  • The Holocaust (what a way to end the day: a dispiriting and dispirited talk on genocide; I'll eat my hat if she did more research than opening her history textbook; too bad, really--she has a wonderful speaking voice)
And then we ran for the parking lot to beat the lines of parental cars. On the way home I stopped at Aldi's--where I had to be physically SHOWN where the refried beans are, since I still can't find them on my own because I'm apparently BLIND--and Walgreen's--5 Rxes for Beast.

Oh yeah, because I'd set this day up in March, and last week Beast scheduled his cortisone injection into his lower back for this morning. So I took him over to the office for that, and he'd set up a ride to come home. I'm a horrible wife. But really: he's had something like 10 of these things now, and it's pretty much all show for the insurance company. Maybe it'll help with some of the pain, but it hasn't been much of a winning option yet (since 2011, mind you), so we all know the doctor will see him, post-cortisone, next week and (hopefully) schedule surgery for "soon" which realistically means June sometime. For those keeping score at home, this will be #2 on the lumbar region. The first time was in 2012 where he had a laminectomy, ablation, and other fancy words (the doctor told me immediately post-op that there was "scraping" of the nerve off the vertebrae--hurrah for technical jargon). Then he had similar stuff done inside his neck in December 2015, after the debacle of our vacation in October when he ended up in the ER waiting room for 9 hours in St. Louis.

He's in bed asleep, which isn't shocking at all. He warned me it was likely he would be. I have no idea if I'm supposed to wake him, so I probably will just let him sleep. Maybe the pain level will be such that he can actually rest for a change.

So, yeah. Just another day in the life of.
Sunday, July 19, 2015

Funeral

I'm not a huge fan of funerals. I mean, I see their purpose, and I appreciate the chance to attend memorials for people I've known and loved.

Funerals are hard. They are sad--duh--and awkward and weird and uncomfortable. If you're a family member of the deceased, they're a little more manageable because you have a script to follow, places to be, plans to attend to, and you generally know a large percentage of the people in attendance.

Funerals for people who have lived long, happy lives and/or suffered a great deal before death can even be sort of a relief for those of us who have watched the decline and illness and pain.

But the funeral I'm going to today is for the partner of someone I don't know well; I know her well enough to know too much. The funeral I'm going to today is for someone who had indeed suffered a great deal and chose to end the suffering herself in a rather unpleasant way. The funeral today is for someone I only knew about through the partner/friend, and in a context where she was not presented in a good light. As a result of her death, my friend has been left in a particularly untenable financial situation, which is not what one wants to think about in the midst of mourning.

I really really hate these funerals. Funerals for people who died too young, who died because they lost focus on the important and good things around them....man these suck. They make me ANGRY. I feel impotent and helpless and overwhelmed. And awkward and weird and uncomfortable.

This is one of those moments when I know that the whole "do what makes you happy" school of thought is dead wrong. Because there is pretty much nothing happy-making about the next two hours.

ADDENDUM: It was actually somewhat worse than expected. Let me count the ways:
  • The family-of-birth of the honoree completely dissed the partner. She wasn't mentioned in the bulletin or acknowledged by the speaker/pastor. Yes, they were a lesbian couple. That shouldn't matter--they were together for 10 years!
  • It was held in the "atrium"-like area of one of those mega-church branches, which is located in an industrial park. The acoustics were abysmal, and the space was too small for the number of people. It was like someone's living room on meth.
  • The location may be the reason people were still arriving 20 minutes after the scheduled start time.
  • They burned foul incense, and maybe sage (which I get, but not with the incense, yuck) before the service, and played mental carousel music afterwards.
  • People walked in carrying Starbucks. W T F ?
  • The pastor/leader had obviously never met the honoree and barely had her name figured out, though the fact of her suicide was mentioned, and then waved away. And then the dude did a (modified) altar call in the midst of the homily, complete with a prayer for those committing themselves to Jesus, and the offer of Bibles after the service! As a Christian, I just wanted to melt into the floor.
  • The family never spoke to the partner--and vice versa--and when the partner was getting more attention, the mom commenced WASPy weeping.
God save us all from the drama kings and queens around us, and from mean, vindictive, clueless people at these times.
Friday, May 22, 2015

It's been forever. Again.

Last week was [Middle School] Project judging and I've been meaning to blog about that for a week. I even kept a list of the projects. So in the event that I put this off for another 11 weeks....here's the list and assorted comments.
  • Club Feet (this was one of my [Anglo] Sunday School kids, a special request I made since he said it was ok for me to sit in; he didn't tell me he was presenting in Spanish! And he did pretty well--language was not the problem with this presentation; he just didn't do a lot of research, but he did answer questions well--also in Spanish--at the end)
  • Improving Your Singing Voice ("everyone can sing!"--uh, no, not really, but I'm glad you're so enthusiastic)
  • Foster Care to Adoption Process (yes, her family has done this)
  • AMC--Congenital Joint Problems (this was the first time anyone has ever brought in a visual aid that was a person, in this case a sweet 6-year-old boy in a wheelchair who lives next door to the presenter; the presenter is the daughter of one of the secretaries at my therapist's office who came to watch, so that was weird, but fun)
  • History of Soccer
  • Forensics
  • The Color Barrier in Sports
  • Building Trades (a perfect example of a kid who is a lost cause academically who did a good job on this project because of his interest in it...)
  • Extinction
  • Mobile Gaming (...and the obverse: someone who is clearly interested in the topic, but skated through the work and tried to fake the presentation)
  • Interior Design as a Career
Lunch (dash to BK for burger and GIANT diet caffeine beverage)
  • Autism
  • Lego (the presenter is autistic, but his enthusiasm trumped his innate limitations in the speech-making department--and the timing of these two presentations was interesting)
  • Cats (WTF, dude, WTF--so awful, and the kid is so needy and wrecked I just wanted to cry through the whole "presentation" during which he had his back to us for at least half of the time)
  • Depression in Teens (again with the stellar timing, since the previous kid is all kinds of massively depressed)
  • The Northern Lights
  • Becoming a Preschool Teacher (she will be a delightful teacher!)
  • Anesthesiology as a Career
  • Make-a-Wish Foundation
  • Nuclear Power (in spite of a serious speech impediment, this was easily the best, most enthusiastic, most seriously intense presentation of the day; the dude WORKED on it, and had a blast!)
  • The History of Disney (kind of a mishmosh of the company and the studio and the family--not a great presentation)
This is my tenth year doing this, and every year I'm surprised, irritated, thrilled, saddened in almost equal measure by the snapshot of the kids I see. Even the lousy presentations are often done by really decent kids. In ten years, I think there've been less than 5 who have pissed me off to the point I wanted to flunk them on principle regardless of the merits of the project. In general, they are good kids, just trying to get through a pretty massive project and learning SOMEthing (even if it's just 'hey, I shoulda put in more work!'). And the teachers are always enthusiastic and positive; they just want all of them to succeed. It's kind of inspirational.


I'm not making promises about coming back. It seems like the kiss of death. But, y'know, maybe.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Bummer day

Death, be not proud
by JOHN DONNE

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;
For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow
Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.
Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally
And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.

For Marge O.
Thursday, February 27, 2014

Bad math = bad future (repost

Q: When do 18 and 15 add up to a permanent criminal record?

A: When those two ages have sex.


It's also not good to be caught in mid-act by a member of the library staff, who then asks for ID.


I'm just sayin'....


Talk about a cold shower.

Can't believe this was seven years ago. I wonder what's happened to these two. Pretty sure the 18-year-old disappeared back to Mexico after the event, but I wonder how she's doing at age 22 now.
Friday, November 22, 2013

Movies

I ran across an article in Entertainment Weekly last week entitled 8 Great Movies Too Upsetting to See Twice. The list is made up of these movies.
1. Leaving Las Vegas (1995)
2. Straw Dogs (1971)
3. Come and See (1985)
4. Irreversible (2003)
5. United 93 (2006)
6. Dancer in the Dark (2000)
7. The Sorrow and the Pity (1969)
8. Requiem For a Dream (2000)
So, here's the thing. I've heard of about half of these. I've no interest in seeing the ones I'd never heard of, and frankly the others are a little beyond my capacity for a two-hour Hollywood-sad-fest.

The problem I have with this list, and others like it, is that they miss the gargantuan ones. I mean, how do you leave out Sophie's Choice? Schindler's List? The Piano? SHOAH!?!?!?! Those, those, I'd watch over and over, and be depressed over and over, because they are true at a level that goes beyond Holloywood-sad. [Disclaimer: Shoah is actually a documentary, so it isn't fair that I'm including it, but I've been thinking about re-watching it this winter so it's been right at the front of my brain, and it's my blog, so it's here.]

On the other hand, I was gifted a copy of RHPS recently and Sparky spied it when he was home a few weeks ago. He told us last week that he watched and found it "weird." "Really weird." I need to watch that again too. Sort of, maybe, at the same time I'm watching Shoah.



Monday, July 29, 2013
Forgot to mention this in last night's post, but Marguerite and Ben (my younger niece overseas, and her husband) were burgled Saturday night while ("whilst") they slept upstairs. All their computers and memory sticks were taken--it was all sitting out while they worked on tax returns--along with iPods and camera and other easily portable things of the sort. All removed quickly in their car, which has (thank God) been recovered with keys still in it. But the first year of their son's life, all those photos parents take of their eldest child, all those pictures are gone. They had backed everything up onto a hard drive, but that was also taken.

They themselves are safe and sound, but I can only imagine how completely creeped-out they must feel knowing people were in their house. Ugh. No idea how the thieves got in, but British houses aren't generally known for being burglar-proof: my sister's family house was broken into at least twice over the years.

A very eventful weekend in my family. Kind of hoping that's the end of the drama for awhile! Or at least that any upcoming drama is positive.
Monday, June 3, 2013

Blog Challenge

Well, three days in...and I'm already behind.

Yesterday was meant to be Where You'd Like to Be in 10 Years. Ironically, Beast and I actually discussed this in a roundabout way yesterday. In 10 years, we'll be on the verge of 60 years old. That's rather terrifying. Perhaps we'll have married Sparky off by then. Perhaps we'll have grandchildren. Perhaps we'll be living in Colorado. All of these are possibilities, but so is Sparky living in our basement, in this house. I will probably still be working where I am. Beast intends to continue working as well. So I don't really think a lot will change. In any case, I don't really do 5- or 10-year-plans. I'm much more likely to play it as it comes.

Today's topic is Your Views on Drugs & Alcohol. I'm really very laid-back about alcohol and pot until they become central to someone's life; once they become worth lying, stealing, and cheating people for, they own you. Same for the harder drugs too, of course, but those are also more prone to killing you outright, rather than a slow breakdown of your body so I'm less sanguine about them. And I think tobacco is evil.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Weird doin's

Two very similar ledes in the local daily today:
  • [Town near us, on a street where one of my coworkers lives] – Residents on [L] Avenue were on edge Monday as police searched for answers about why a young man [age 19] was left bleeding in the street Sunday night.

  • [Town about 35 minutes from us]  – A teenager was taken by helicopter in fair condition to a trauma center Friday after he was found lying in the street with unknown injuries.
What the hell is going on? Is there some random car running kids down in our county? Or is this some new gang-related thing? Or just happenstance?

Monday, March 12, 2012

Life is not a bowl of cherries

I am slowly discovering that one of the hardest things in life is to stand by and watch people you love suffer, or do things you don't agree with, or otherwise have life experiences that you wouldn't wish on an enemy. It goes without saying that doing this is a large part of parenting--although I've got to say that up to this point, Sparky hasn't been the biggest nightmare imaginable, just the occasional blip on the Serious Annoyance Scale--but it is true about adult family and friends too.

There is absolutely nothing I would like better right now than to be able to kneecap several people in St. Louis. One of Beast's sales accounts is with a family-owned company there, and they have got to be the most dysfunctional family and business ever. It makes my family-of-birth look like the most loving, calm, sane group of people. They seem to be basing their business style on the worst aspects of The Apprentice--the parts where Donald Trump instigates everyone to turn on each other, and the parts where he just yells at people.

The M.O. of these folks is to call Beast whenever they have a problem with what his company is selling them and holler at him. They yell about price, they yell about paying, they yell about quality, they yell about everything. NOTHING is ever their fault, it's never that they underpriced their own product, or they forgot to pay for the last shipment, or they didn't notice when things started to go bad in the manufacturing process. It's ALWAYS Beast's or Beast's company's fault. And there is never any "medium"--it's either SCREAMING or silence.

Beast spent all day today on this one account. He spent all day Friday on it too. Factor in that his sales territory stretches from the Mississippi River to the Pacific Ocean, and that he has spent 16+ hours of the last 40 he's worked on one customer...yeah.

I should, perhaps, mention that part of this current nightmare is because some of the product that Beast's company shipped should not have been sent--it was faulty, and caused the product St. Louis makes to fail their specs. So he's actually fighting St. Louis AND his own company at the same time.

To top things off, he had to close down a little earlier than usual this afternoon so he could go to the dentist to have the tooth he broke last week checked. The novacaine didn't work until he got like 4 shots, and having a temporary crown put on isn't exactly a party either (I've got 3? of them), so his mouth hurts. His back hurts from sitting in one place all day talking on the phone and dealing with emails and reports, and from the sheer tension of the day. And I think he's probably massively bummed that, while the cortisone injections he got last Tuesday really did bring him some pain relief last week, it hasn't stuck around very long at all.

Just before I shooed him upstairs after he dropped the heavy artillery meds (Percocet and Soma), he posted this to Facebook: "i am off to bed shortly - b/c this this [sic] sucks and i hate my job. loathe my job. and it is what it is." Obviously, this is not something that should be posted on Facebook, and I'm debating whether I should open his laptop and at least make that less public.

Psalm 6 has been running through the back of my mind a lot lately:

1 LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
2 Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am faint;
heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.
3 My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, LORD, how long?

4 Turn, LORD, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.
5 Among the dead no one proclaims your name.
Who praises you from the grave?

6 I am worn out from my groaning.
All night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears. 7 My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes.

8 Away from me, all you who do evil

It's very Lenten. And also very much an ear-worm: "How long, O Lord, how long?!"

Really hoping that 40-year wandering-in-the-desert metaphor is just a metaphor.
Friday, December 30, 2011

Local News

19-year-old killed in accidental shooting

Just absolutely bloody horrifying. Another realization that Mom was right when she told me that once I became a parent, I'd worry about everything to do with Sparky, all the time, for the rest of my life.*

While I don't know any of the people named in this story, it just tears me up inside knowing how heartbroken they all are.

And I send a plea up to God: "Please God, not me, not us, not Sparky."



*what she actually said was I'd never sleep as deeply again--but I sleep just fine, usually
Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Critical mass

I've reached it. So angry I can hardly type.
Monday, December 26, 2011

It's too early to go to bed

I woke up this morning at 9:15, so it's far too early for me to hit the sheets. However, the rest of the humans are already in bed, and even the guinea pigs are eerily quiet. I'm a little bored. A little antsy. And little...piqued.

My mouth hurts. I wasn't able to get hold of the dentist today, even to leave a message, because their phone tripped right over into that fast busy signal that indicates problems on the line.

I can feel several things hanging off my shoulder to be worried about soon: new insurance in 6 days, new prescriptions need to written and sent for mail-order delivery, new schedule at work, family arriving this weekend. And there are the more immediate worries that I'm adamantly trying not to dwell on because they are more serious than any of the above, with no real good solutions. I'm in a quandary about some stuff and don't like any of the outcomes I see. The fact that I can't control any of it, not really, is making me cranky, bitter, sad, and defeated. And it's all just in time for the onset of the worst part of the year in terms of SAD. This must be the part of middle age that just sucks: the reality that the easiest years of life are over and everything to come is complicated and potentially difficult, with traps and mires everywhere both visible and sneaky. I don't like it.

This week is going to be a little bumpy at work as well. There are quite a few people on vacation, so I'll be pulling more public hours. The boss is probably back in more regularly after several weeks off on vacation and then ill, so she'll need hand-holding as she gets up to speed. My desk is a mess--I haven't properly cleared it off and cleaned it in months, possibly over a year, and it is making me a little nuts. {And let's not even discuss the state of my desk at home...because it's at the point that a lit match may be the only way to deal with it...}

I want to get my plane ticket and hotel sorted out for ALA Midwinter next month. It's another one of those things hanging off my right shoulder about ear level, floating, waiting to pounce and cause a total mental meltdown.

I miss my dad today, too, and Beast's dad. And, more unusually, my mom. There are a lot of days that I think of her--this is one of them--and wonder how the hell she did it. As fraught as our relationship was, I knew she didn't have a particularly easy life. How did she manage to keep her body and soul together when things were falling apart around her so often? That is something I never thought to ask her, and now, when I need to know the answer, it's a little hard to hear her voice. Yeah, right: my tooth hurts, so I want my mommy, OK?

And all of this on a day when I actually accomplished some stuff: Sparky has two new pairs of shoes (Christmas presents) purchased at Famous Footwear this morning, I have 'provisions' in for the week, I actually cooked dinner tonight using a new recipe for something I can't find my old standby recipe for--and even though I boiled over the white sauce in the microwave, I managed to salvage dinner well enough for it to be edible--and we watched Harry Potter...Hallows...2 so I can return it to the library tomorrow FINALLY. It's only 2 weeks-ish overdue!

Perhaps it is time for me to go to bed. I think two Tylenol PMs should help me immeasurably: take away the tooth pain and relax me enough to banish the bogeymen (i.e. worries) for a few hours.
Sunday, September 11, 2011

Post Secret

I don't do this very often, but one of the Post Secrets this week could be mine:

Amen!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Ch-ch-ch-changes

In the next 2 hours, we will be packing up the last few things for Sparky and driving him to college.

In the next 8 hours, we will be unloading boxes and crates and schlepping them to his dorm room and meeting roommates and parents and RAs and all the New Important People in his life.

In the next 12 hours, the last apron strings will start fraying in earnest.

In the next 15 hours, our house will be back to two people (and a guinea pig, instead of finches and/or dog).

In the next 24 hours, I will start figuring out what I'm doing with the rest of my life.

And...GO!
Saturday, June 18, 2011

What a difference six years makes

Tomorrow is the beginning of our last youth group mission trip. Looking back six years to when we first started as youth group leaders, what I remember most is feeling totally panicked over this part of the job. The people who were in charge before us left us a little bit high-and-dry; there was nothing we could go on with anything--they even refused to give us the remaining checks for the bank account so forget asking them for help in finding a site for mission work!

We muddled through. And Katrina happened about two weeks before our first meeting in the fall of 2004, which led to an easy decision about where we were going. The major problem was WHERE and how to hook up with people who needed assistance. So God stepped in and sent other church members to the Gulf Coast to scope out a site. We ended up taking two high schoolers that year, but making it a combined mission experience with about 10 adults and 4 younger kids, not all of whom were members of our church. It was complicated. And frustrating. And absolutely amazing. It made me into a mission-junkie. Beast, too.

The following year we were on our own and I discovered that there are organizations 'out there' that coordinate trips for harried youth group leaders. In the end we blindly picked (were pushed into by God, really) an organization called Youthworks which has 50-60 sites around the continent that they staff and plan for every year. The sites range from rural to urban, and provide places for everyone ages 12 to 18 to serve. Since that year, they have expanded to multi-generational sites where whole families and church groups of all ages can attend. I so much want to do one of those! But I'm getting ahead of myself.

In June of 2007 we took Sparky and three high school girls to Minneapolis for a week. That's the short version. The longer version is that I spent most of the first six months of that year in a state of panic over the paperwork that needed to be filled out, the money that had to be collected. I must have sent out at least six letters to the group and their parents about the trip over the course of the year. I worried constantly that we were going to have any number of problems or issues or scary events. Instead it turned out to be life-changing in all the good ways. The girls accepted Sparky unquestioningly (he was a year younger than them, not yet in high school), the college-age leaders were astounding in their faith and work ethic and joy, the work sites were indescribably rich in teachable moments, the church in which we 'lived' was spacious and had a pop machine (!)...and we got to go to Mall of America as a treat for our group at the end of the week. All that was great, but the most important, awe-inspiring thing was watching all of us explode in the growth of our faith and understanding of our purpose here. All my worries, all the panic, all the concerns about safety and planning and potential homesickness...all for naught.

The only downside of that trip was the fact that it was a combined middle school and high school trip. We are not cut out for dealing with 13-year-olds. We have specified high-school only trips from that year on.

In 2008, we took a larger group (about 10, I think) to the city where Beast and I lived for 6 years, and where Sparky was born. It was easier in many ways, not the least of which was knowing our way around town. The church was outstanding, the work was rewarding, the leaders were good.

In 2009, it was time to step away from urban sites. The kids elected to go to an an Ojibway reservation. We stayed at a school instead of a church, it was much cooler the week we were there, and the leaders--both those from Youthworks and those from the other church groups there that week--were absolutely unbelievably great. The pace was much slower, there were fewer 'a-ha' moments for the kids, but I think eyes were opened, perhaps more slowly and over a longer period of time afterwards, just as much as in their (our) service in the cities we'd been in.

Last year we went to our denomination's youth conference. It was a different experience from working all week, but we were every bit as sweaty and dirty and uncomfortable and tired as we were on mission trips, and there was every bit as much Spirit there in somewhat more obvious ways. It was a blast. In some respects last summer was a harder year because it required more internal 'work,' more honesty, more in-your-face challenges. For me, at least. I was wrecked at the end of the week.

For our final trip, we are headed east for the first time. We are back in a city. And the place we're staying sounds like the Hilton: beds (OMG--no air mattresses! Just sleeping bags), air conditioning, on-site showers!! And, where the first year I was staging the packing easily a week before we left, this year I haven't actually started packing. I don't even have clothes to take: I need to hit the store today for jeans and capris. In short, I'm probably the most under-prepared I've ever been for anything. And I'm ok with that; whatever is going to happen will happen regardless of the contingencies I've planned for.

We're taking Ruka to the rat-sitter this morning, then stopping at an ATM and Farm & Fleet for money and clothes, and then it's hope to start throwing shit into bags. I need to send a Facebook reminder about timing for tomorrow, and then I'm calling it done. Bring it on, God!! I'm ready for our swan song!
Monday, May 2, 2011

Bin Laden is dead

...long live the war.

I'm worried about Beast as he travels across country today. And I'm worried about Ham doing his TSA work today and for the next few weeks.

And I do not like the fact that the crowds cheering last night bore a horrible resemblance to the crowds cheering outside the U.S. Embassy in Iran 30+ years ago.

As a wise friend of mine said on Facebook last night, "justice won't heal the broken hearted, how can't we see that?"

And then there's this:
No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
--John Donne
Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Bad Day

I haven't been this wigged out about life in general for...well, 7 months. Why? I have no idea really, except that there's a lot going on, but that's true all the time. And I've dropped a lot of balls. I'm tired. Beast is tired. I don't give a shit about much of anything at this point, and I don't care that I don't care, except that I feel like I ought to. Not that I'm beating myself up about it, but it concerns me that I really want to punt about 10% of my immediate (biological) family into space more than I care about what Thursday's schedule looks like.

Oh, well, I'm sure I'll get over it.
Saturday, October 23, 2010

I gotta repost this, unattributed and obfuscated

...and post-dated to protect the author, and me, and people who know both of us.
It's been a M0nday. I just read a fr!end's p0st ab0ut navel-gaz!ng in l!brar!ansh!p, wh!ch included th!s paragraph:
That's an0ther th!ng that w0rks my nerves ab0ut s0me 0f these c0nversat!0ns…the defeat!st att!tude that pe0ple have that the!r j0b sucks/the!r manager sucks/the!r c0-w0rkers suck/the vend0rs suck/EVERYTH!NG SUCKS but the!r hands are t!ed and can't f!x !t and can't leave. S0mething can always be d0ne. 'But...'… N0. But n0th!ng. S0mething can always be d0ne.

Yeah. That. I'm gu!lty 0f it s0met!mes -- we're all human -- but it's s0meth!ng I w0rk t0 av0!d. Because we hates it, 0ur prec!0us.


And then I just had a pr0fess!0nal interact!0n that has me shut in my 0ff!ce l!sten!ng t0 angry mus!c as l0ud as I can just!fy in a l!brary. It b0!ls d0wn t0 th!s:


I d0n't d0 pass!ve-aggress!ve.


I d0n't d0 wh!n!ng.


I als0 d0n't d0 martyrs.


And s0mething can always be d0ne.


S0 e!ther help me f!x it, 0r s!t d0wn and shut up.


N0ne 0f wh!ch I can say 0ut l0ud, s0 I'm g0!ng t0 c0nt!nue w0rk!ng 0n the stuff 0n my t0-d0 l!st, w!th the d00r securely cl0sed, unt!l I d0n't want t0 snarl th0se th!ngs at the next pers0n t0 c0me near me.
OK, then please let me know specifically how we can:
  • create jobs out of thin air
  • cure cancer
  • solve all instances of mental illness
  • stop wars
  • raise the dead
While I do actually sympathize with the general sentiment of looking for forward movement and quelling the negative..., yeah, NOT. Anyway, it seems to me that if people "don't do" any of these behaviors or personalities, they've admitted defeat and are therefore saying Nothing Can Be Done with them.

And
  • Playing music loudly because you're angry? Why, that sounds mighty P-A to this here Mom.
  • The whole post is whiny.
  • Martyring yourself by hiding in your office is still being a martyr. Trust me: my family is full of martyrs.
To think I used to like this person....

To think she's in charge of getting information to students. {shudder}
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